Saturday, December 31, 2011

If Twitter Had Deleted Scenes

Have you ever watched deleted scenes to any of your favorite movies? There's a reason the scenes didn't make it into the final cut of the film. Usually, they're mundane scenes that are either poorly written, don't quite fit with the pace of the film, or have any other multitude of problems. Sadly, I'm afraid this post may live up to similar standards of excellence.

To preserve the patience of my twitter followers, I held back a collection of untweetable outbursts and recorded them below throughout the past four months. There's a reason these weren't tweet-worthy, so please feel free to read no further, making this a complete opt-in service.

Hopefully, this will be better than the The Godfather deleted scene of Michael's body guards in Sicily eating fruit in a silent room.

***

Sept 2, 7:45 am - There must be a new shoe releasing at Footlocker today, or something, because there are about twenty people in line.


Sept 2, 8:03 am - Money line from @barryap1: "It's as if ESPN never had problems crossing the line between editorial and advertising." http://deadspin.com/5836538/espn-will-put-unranked-texas-in-the-top-25-now-that-they-own-the-longhorn-network


Sept 2, 10:19 am - I just invested $1 in tomorrow's $91 million Powerball.


Sept 2, 10:32 am - I would totally submit pictures to @captivate if my office had a good view.

Sept 4, 7:11pm - Why is Michael Pineda owned in only 55% of yahoo leagues? Isn't he really good?

Sept 6, 6:11pm - Adeiny Hechavarria will be the second most exciting player in the Arizona Fall League.

Sept 6, 9:21pm - Who's better on bass? Tony Garnier or George Porter, Jr?

Sept 6, 9:40pm - Dude, Strasburg is back. #99mph

Sept 6, 10:36pm - Goddamn, Jerry owned "Visions of Johanna" before he passed. #dylan

Sep 8, 1:13pm - MJ "why? Why?" #np

Sep 8, 4:19pm - Just blocked @foxrobot because I h-a-t-e the Fox Robot.

Sep 8, 6:50pm - it looks like every restaurant on the UWS has a B or Grade Pending from the NY Health Dept. #gross

Sep 8, 7:16pm - Go Craig Kimbrell! #fantasy #playoffs

Sep 8, 7:20pm - I didn't know Justin Turner had 47 at bats, let alone 47 rbi. #Mets

Sep 8, 7:24pm - Why we don't pay for Saves: Craig Kimbrell #Braves

Sep 8, 7:27pm - "He's not selling any alibis, as you stare into the vacuum of his eyes." #dylan

Sep 8, 8:06pm - How would @oshman react to Astros to the American League?

Sep 8, 8:54pm - hate the Packers, watching Julio Teheran pitch instead.

Sept 21, 2:30pm - Swisher uncorked a throw after favoring it for days, but is looked like there was pain there.

Sept 21, 2:35pm - As a Cubs fan, seeing Larry Rothschild with the Yankees is still infuriating.

Sept 21, 2:44pm - Aaron Laffey is doing his best to avoid the #Yankees postseason roster.

Sept 21, 3:10pm - That's a Gold Glove play by D Jeter.

Sept 21, 5:17pm - Sabathia's going for 20, Hellickson for ROY.

Sept 21, 5:55pm - Poetry from @zacharylevine: "Homer-ravaged pitcher finds shelter in Houston lineup" http://blog.chron.com/ultimateastros/2011/09/21/reds-2-astros-0-homer-ravaged-pitcher-finds-shelter-in-houston-lineup/ #Reds #Astros

Sept 22, 7:58pm - Matt Moore is great so far in the Bronx, 5 K's in first 2 innings

Sep 22, 8:15pm - #RedSox fans watching this #Rays / #Yankees game must be so upset. Matt Moore is awesome; the Rays are great and getting better.

Sep 22, 8:16pm - it's Rays 9, Yankees 0

Sept 23, 11:19pm - The Brewers have the best tailgate in baseball, and the best team outside Philadelphia in the NL.

Sept 23, 11:22pm - The Cubs celebrate a shortstop with terrible defense getting 200 hits, and the Brewers win the division. #ugh

Sept 29, 1:38pm - Atlanta fans don't care. MT @DKnobler In Atlanta, no one takes the fall @mlbbowman: Braves will bring back their entire coaching staff

Oct 2, 4:38pm - If "clutch" existed, that would have not been clutch. But, "clutch" does not exist. #Jeter

Oct 2, 4:44pm - Oh man, Aaron Rodgers, 50-yd TD @nflredzone

Oct 4, 9:09pm - AJ Burnett has not had a good year. He hasn't been good in a while. Maybe he should lose those stupid necklaces.

Oct 7, 3:44pm - Jim Leyland picks his battles and wins.

Oct 7, 7:21pm - @cantpredictball Yuniesky Betancourt, post-season hero.

Oct 8, 1:12pm - "Relationships of ownership, they whisper in the wings to those condemned to act accordingly and wait for succeeding kings." Bob Dylan 1964

Oct 10, 3:21pm - Thanks, Deanna @DFigurito, very helpful. RT @EverydayHealth: Foods that do your boobies good: http://t.co/oDcnnvkN

Oct 10, 5:25pm - Ron Washington needs a bump.

Oct 10, 8:19pm - Ryan Perry is really good...

Oct 10, 8:34pm - I thought Brandon Inge was a totally nice guy, until I saw his tatt's.

Nov 22, 7:40am - @brotz13 Buster may need to take a step back from the ol' twitter machine.

Nov 22, 8:20am - Buster's getting defensive https://twitter.com/#!/Buster_ESPN/status/138938285803315200

Nov 23, 3:58pm - Is Brian Ching really going to retire? Say it ain't so, @brianching @MLS

Nov 25, 4:10pm - You're not a bad tweeter, @Citibank, but the people at the banks are terrible at communicating, particularly listening and speaking clearly.

Nov 27, 11:06am - Coño, @Sporting_Gijon 0 @LevanteUD 2

Nov 29, 12:11am - Big day tomorrow, good night! #deletedscene

Nov 30, 8:44am - Is Arlo White moving to New York? @arlowhite

Dec 2, 11:30pm - Exciting time to be a Marlins fan, eh?

Dec 4, 8:58am - Canadian band @Nickelback is the best rock band in the world (at deflecting criticism). cc: @PeterMoylan

Dec 4, 2:57pm - Oh Jesus, Tebow just threw a TD pass.

Dec 4, 9:04pm - The #Cubs trading Tyler Colvin for a 3rd baseman is a solid Winter Meetings rumor.

Dec 5, 4:40pm - @CubsDen More like 5/$175.

Dec 7, 2:40pm - Tourists just commented that being in New York is stressful, and they're ON VACATION.

Dec 11, 12:10pm - @JonHeymanCBS No, Prince is not returning to Milwaukee. Pls stop asking.

Dec 14, 8:31pm - The Holiday Spirit is alive when you see a creepy man with a younger woman and later realize it's an innocent night out for a father/daughter

Dec 14, 8:32pm - I'm so glad to have this safeguard because that last tweet was rubbish.

Dec 14, 8:33pm - So was that last one #rubbish #english

Dec 16, 4:59pm - @Number1Baseball Much better value for the Twins, getting essentially an equal player

Dec 16, 8:56pm - If the Blue Jays don't value Luis Perez, the #Cubs should trade for him.

Dec 30, 8:10am - Sounds like the Andrew Bailey trade was basically all about Raul Alcantara: http://www.baseballamerica.com/today/majors/trade-central/2011/2612761.html

Season's Greetings from the Corleone Family

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